(Re) Becoming Gay
Growing into LGBTQ+ culture
I knew I was gay by the time I was 14 or 15. I had crushes on boys at school. Some of these boys were friends of mine, some were real sporty types while others were bullies. But I was drawn to them all at different times with a mix of feelings. It went beyond a physical and sexual attraction. Being gay is as much about love and emotion as any other part of the sexuality spectrum. It isn’t and never will be, just about sex. I remember getting butterflies in the stomach when being around a boy I liked. Light dizziness would overcome me if I were in their proximity. This sense of excitement is hard to describe but I’m sure almost everyone will have felt it when near someone they liked or loved.
I could never vocalise these feelings at the time and have struggled at times since. You weren’t meant to have these feelings. The sexual desire was taboo — I was told that by the world around me. But what of the emotions? Some of the messages I got from the school, media, churches and broader society said I could have these feelings, but I couldn’t act on them. I could never share them. So I never did. The tentative explorations to express the feelings of love and desire were stunted, short-lived and not always pleasing. Rejection, rebuffing and silence was the norm. I got used to it. I didn’t know any other way.
Coming out in my early twenties, at the point where my head couldn’t process my life as it was anymore was a relief but didn’t resolve all internal conflicts. It was the start of a journey, one that continues even today.
I’m now in my 40’s and am out as a gay man in 99% of my life. When I first came out, I steered away from the LGBTQ+ scene (often referrred to as the ‘gay scene’). Adelaide, my home town, didn’t have a huge scene and I was terrified that there would be no way to remain anonymous on the scene and that I wouldn’t fit anyway — I was shy (still am) and my body shape and size did not meet what my percieved expectations of the scene and community were. Even after moving to the UK, I still rarely ventured to the scene, not wanting to become part of the community. The community, as far as I could tell, was only in the bars and clubs and this wasn’t for me. My self-confidence was low; I wasn’t keen on engaging with anyone, let alone what I perceived as loud, camp guys all drinking and taking drugs. That is what I figured must be happening at gay bars and clubs — that is what the stereotype said after all. On reflection I know there was some internalised homophobia going on, something many of us struggle with at times.
I kept my head down — not engaging with the gay community or the scene until I was asked by a friend to get involved with a local LGBT charity when I was in my early thirties. It started a journey over the next ten years to re-integrate, explore and understand the different parts of the community. Working with the charity, helping them to raise money, restructure and provide excellent health and wellbeing services to the community was a privilege and learning experience. It was one of the first places where I engaged with trans people and I learnt so much from everyone in the LGBTQ+ community that the charity served. The journey has helped me to break down some of my internal barriers, prejudices, conceptions and thoughts around love, sexuality and letting people live their life. This learning and changing continue today.
Through this engagement, I’ve become more aware of LGBTQ+ issues and have tried to live and advocate as openly as possible. This has included at my cricket club, which I have written about extensively on Medium. The engagement and learning have spread to my professional life too, gaining an understanding of the different challenges and issues for LGBTQ+ researchers thrown up by an ever-increasing globalised higher education research environment. I have experienced some of these challenges myself when making decisions about travel, work opportunities and behaviour.
All of these experiences have found me navigating back towards the community. The journey may still be a slow and gradual one, and I may never favour clubs and bars as options for regular socialising, but I am discovering a wider community, one where people share experiences, heartaches and have more in common than you might imagine. I’m glad I’m finding this again, sometimes for the first time. As the assault on LGBTQ+ rights escalates in different parts of the globe, finding friendships, discovering common ground and a shared purpose embedded within the community is as crucial as having allies on the outside. There is much more to learn and experience but this slow road to becoming (more) gay, and expressing more of my true self, has been a worthwhile journey.
